Once Again, Deep Breaths

Yesterday marked the 36th anxiety attack/meltdown of the pregnancy. I don't know if it has been that many, but it feels like it sometimes. There is just so much shit bouncing around in my brain. Ha! Just called myself shit for brains. Yep, the self esteem must be flying high today!

Anyway, yesterday I read this article and it sent me into a bit of a tailspin. All of a sudden, I decided I don't want to have a kid anymore. Little late for that, I realize. I started freaking out because I really like the way our lives are now. Well, more they way there were pre-preggo, but close enough. We are doing just fine as a family with a canine child only. She is moderately low maintenance, fairly inexpensive, and provides all the snuggles one could want. I could have been happy with that. But no, we had to go and decide we needed more. And the addition we chose? Very high maintenance, very expensive, but still provides a lot of snuggles.

I know the problem here is my fear of big changes. But this is a B-I-G change and I am more than a little scared. So my brain just wants the only logical answer...Keep everything the way it is. Presto! No change to deal with. Very healthy.

There is also the sacrifice. Sacrifice of my time, wants, and needs. It is embarrassingly selfish, but right now, I am not sure I want to give those things up. I like being able to go where and when I want. I like being able to take my time doing something because it is my time.

I know I have said this before, but I am also very worried about the effect this change is going to have on Travis. I feel like I have a better understanding only because I already have to limit what I can do. Being a baby oven comes with its limitations. I just feel like this is going to be like walking into a giant brick wall of reality for us, but more so for him.

Speaking of Travis, he got to come home to a crying spazoid of a wife. And as always, he handled it like a champ. He reminded me that this wasn't a decision we came to lightly. That we had talked about all of this stuff and still had thought it was a good idea. That we didn't want to be sitting there 20 years from now, regretting we didn't take this step. And we have tackled some pretty sizable challenges together and have come out alright. He also reassured me that I am not the only person to ever have these feelings. That it is a huge sacrifice, but we have never met someone that said they would go back and change it if they could.

I just have to say, this kid better be cute! It helps more than I should admit when I am frustrated with Aiden, so I am thinking it could work with baby frustrations too.

Before he left this morning, Travis made sure to check that I am feeling better today. And I am. Don't let me fool you, I am still scared. We are taking on the challenge of a lifetime that is going to last a lifetime. There's no getting out of this one. But, I think we can do it. And I am pretty sure we aren't going to want to get out of this one.