Thursday, February 28, 2013


Let's recap:  Yesterday, the goals were to listen to his teachers and keep his hands to himself.  And the keeping his hands to himself hasn't been an issue for a while now, but he brought it up so I figured it wouldn't hurt to throw that one in there.  I know he's only 3, but those really don't seem like insurmountable goals.  Apparently I'm wrong. 

He did a little better at listening than he did on Tuesday, but decided multiple of his friends needed to be reacquainted with his smackin' hand.  Oh...and a near strangle.  

Someone needs to take him from me because there is obviously something not right with my raising a normal human skills.


Travis has some sweatshirts that he doesn't like to go through the dryer.  Only problem there is that the dryer is a really good way to get any stray dog hairs off of clothes.  I wasn't thinking when I did laundry last time and washed his sweatshirt with a blanket from the couch.  Dog hair central.  So he busted out the lint roller and went to work.

I don't know how, but this was apparently the first time Alex has seen a lint roller.  And it quickly became the coolest thing in the house.  He watched Travis and then asked me what would have a lot of dog hair on it.  I suggested a big blanket from his bed that the dog is trying her damnedest to claim as her own.  I laid the blanket out flat, handed over the lint roller, and went back to making dinner.

From his room I heard a phrase that he most certainly picked up from me.  But this time it wasn't a bad one! And I will tell you, hearing a 3 year old boy yell out, "Holy cats!!!" is just about the cutest thing you're gonna hear on any given day.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

The Top 20%

I was greeted with horribly disappointed looks from Alex's teachers yesterday when I arrived to pick him up.  That's always a great feeling...when you can tell from people's expressions that your kid was a total asshole once again.  If I don't see the disappointed faces, I can usually tell how his day was based on how he greets me.  If I get a huge smile while he's running toward me yelling "MOMMY!", he's been a jerk all day.  He knows damn well I'm gonna need to be buttered up before hearing about his behavior to ensure I don't beat him.  Which is another great feeling...knowing that at the tender age of 3, your child is honing his emotional manipulation skills.

Anyway, yesterday he didn't get the chance to butter me up; I saw his teachers first.  He did get to be there while his one teacher explained the new thing she has come up with for him and only one other kid in his class.  The other 11 kids?  They don't get to participate in the special listening star chart dealymabobber.  Why?  Because THEY ARE NOT ASSHOLES.  So, basically, Alex and one other kid have "Listening Charts."  Every day they do a good job listening, they get a sticker.  If they collect a sticker on 4 or 5 of the days, they get to pick a toy from a treasure chest which is filled with small toys his teacher went out and spent her own money on to have trinkets to bribe my child into not being such a jerk every day.  Feelin' like a kick-ass parent...ooooooh yeeeeeeah.

When we got into the car, I was so distraught, all I could do was tell Alex I was very disappointed and upset by his behavior.  He answered with silence.  Until he wanted some animal crackers.  At which point he became the sweetest most well mannered child on the face of the planet.  Weird.

Seriously, last night was a rough night.  I had such a mix of What am I doing wrong? Am I the only one that doesn't think my kid's a jerk?  When will this cold go away for the love of snot?!?  I couldn't shake the feeling of failure and embarrassment.  Nobody wants to be the mom of that kid.  Yet, there I sat...raising him.  After a lot of thinking about it, and talking about it, and thinking about it some more, I decided to just stop obsessing and dive into a book.  For 109 pages.

This morning started out great until we had to leave.  Shocking based on every other morning the past month.  After a fit and a half and a chocolate chip waffle, he and I were back on good terms.  So I decided to start planting the seeds of good behavior in his little brain.  That's how this works right?  I only have to teach him through the power of suggestion?  Good good.

I asked him if he knew what a goal was.  He didn't, so I explained it and then gave the example of, "I am going to make it my goal to have a fun day at work today."  Then I asked him what he thought his goal should be today.  " not hit anybody."  I acknowledged that was a good goal and asked he could think of any more goals.  " not punch anybody."  Again, a good goal, but I think we've already covered that.  We finally got to him saying that his two goals for the day were to keep his hands to himself and to listen to his teachers.  After a little while, I asked him to tell me again what the goals were..."Your goal is to have a good day at work and not punch anyone."

He also told me if anyone hit his dog, he would be very disappointed and upset.  So, you know, successful teaching moment top to bottom.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Time to wake up!

At 5:37 this morning I heard tiny feet running across the floor to my side of the bed.  His bed was wet.  He can't sleep in a wet bed.  He's here because his bed was wet.  Did you hear his bed was wet?  That's why he took off his soggy diaper and was climbing in with me and the dog and Travis.  While I had close to another hour until I had to get up, Travis had about 5 minutes.  So he got up and left me with the wiggly awake squirmy boy and the dog.

I tried so hard to get him to be still and go back to sleep.  Unrealized pipe dream.  That's how my morning started.  And then the little shit tells me, "I smell something stanky!...Its your breathing.  Please don't breathe on me."

Admittedly, I had some kickin' morning breath due to multiple Halls lozenges throughout the night.  But dude.  You came to my bed.  You woke me up.  You don't then get to complain about my breath.  Now close your eyes; I don't care that the birds are awake.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Note to self:

When you're sick and have a nasty cough, you're gonna wanna go ahead and put people on hold when you walk away from the phone to check on something for them.  'Cause if you just set it down on your desk, they can hear you when you cough up a lung and you will be embarrassed when they ask if you're ok.

Ending the week on a barf note

Last week kicked Alex and my butts.  He ended up only being at day care Monday morning and Wednesday until about 3:30.  He was home the rest of the week.  Friday morning I didn't even bother taking him in.  He was coughing like mad and I knew I was going to drop him off just to turn around and pick him back up, so why add more germs to the Petri dish that is day care?

By Saturday, I needed to get out of the house.  Our house is small and spending that much time in it was making me battier than normal.  I had some errands to run and Alex was feeling good so off we went.  The Target trip was successful.  We headed over the mall because I needed to go to Barnes & Noble.  I figured we could enter the mall through Dick's Sporting Goods so we could have the magical journey of riding the escalators and then go over to the book store.  The "excagator" ride was as amazing as I had remembered it to be and then we headed out.  Lucky me, the hall Dick's is in empties in to the middle of the mall right where the play area is!  Yay!

Alex obviously wanted to play and he was feeling fine, so I figured I would just sit by myself, not touch anything other than the hand sanitizer station, and enjoy the time he was entertained by something other than my shining personality.  All was great until I heard it.  That cough.  The one that usually induces vomit.  I called him over and asked him if was gonna be sick.  He barely nodded and then puked the 1/2 pint of blueberries he had just eaten onto my lap.

As if this isn't a horrible enough situation, I was immediately slapped in the face with the fact that we no longer bring a diaper bag with a full on arsenal of goodies for situations such as this.  I had nothing.  Nothing other than a lap full of puke.

The lady next to me jumped up and told me to sit tight and that she was getting stuff from her diaper bag.  Don't worry nice lady; I'm not going anywhere.  She came back with spare clothes for her daughter and told me they were super old clothes and that I could use them as towels.  I was not about to use her daughter's clothing as puke rags, so I used the giant pile of wipes the nice lady also produced.  I took off my hoodie and wiped up what I could into it.  Took Alex's shirt off and wrapped that up too.  At this point, the nice lady was obviously and understandably grossed out and was slowly inching her way farther and farther away from us.  I took my puke-filled hoodie over to a garbage can, stuffed it in and shook it off the best I could.  As I pulled it back out, bits of blueberry went flying all over the floor.  I was so done with this whole thing by this point, I absolutely pretended I didn't see that happen and started to make our way out of the mall...wearing puke covered pants.

And, since he wasn't actually sick, Alex did not understand why we had to leave and he was pissed.  So pissed in fact that he just straight up sat down twice in the middle of the walk way in protest.  At one point, I actually looked at him and said, "I'm the one covered in puke, why are you the one crying?"  I asked that because I am such a nice caring loving understanding mom.  I finally just picked him up and ignored the screaming that he didn't want to go home and hauled his ass out of the mall.

So yeah, who wants to hang out with us?

Friday, February 22, 2013


Pretty sure being home with the boy again today didn't mean I was supposed to take a 3 hour nap with him.  Oh well, nobody said I couldn't, and it's too late now!  Oh, yeah, and I'm totally sick now too.  Damn Outbreak monkey.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Nap Time

What does a sick kid need for a nap?  Six blankets, a puke bowl and his best dog friend.


Alex:  cough cough cough GAG
Me:  Are you going to be sick?
Alex:  stares blankly at the tv while gagging
Me:  Come here before you're sick!
Alex:  stares blankly at the tv while gagging
Me:  (running around like a mad chicken looking for something to use as a puke receptacle) STOP WATCHING THE TV AND COME HERE!!!
Alex:  pukes on the floor while watching tv

Nothing quite like being mad at your kid for puking.  I think that's the highest guilt card in the deck.

Home is where the fever is

Yep, he had a fever at day care again yesterday, so we are home again today.

All morning I have been trying to get him to eat something.  And all morning he has been telling me he's not hungry.  So when he asked for spaghetti, I jumped up and started making noodles.  Just as I was tossing the noodles in the boiling water, I  hear from the living room, "Mom?  Can I have chicken and peas and ketchup?"

Sure.  And yes,  my spaghetti is delicious thankyouverymuch.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013


I'm gonna go ahead and put this in the "Things That Are Cuter When in a Mini Size" file.

Toddler Bowling Shoes

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

An Art Installation

Today, I give you:

"A Portrait of a Crazy-Working-from-Home Mom's Living Room"

Ya think, Dora?

Oh my god, I hate Dora so so so much.  I swear this just happened:

~sing-songy~ Spiky, spiky, spiky, spiky, spiky, spiky fish!
Dora:  Uh oh.  That's sounds like the spiky fish.

Wow.  Just wow.  Ya really needed to vocalize that craptastic observation?

The only thing I like about having Dora on?  Listening to Alex try to pronounce words in Spanish.  It sounds like he's eating the words while they are heavily covered in peanut butter.

Of course

What's more fun than working from home with a kid that had a fever at day care so he can't go back but he isn't sick anymore?  Oh!  Having to cover your boss's phone calls as well as your own for the afternoon.  And right during the time frame that I will be knee deep in Battle of the Nap with said not sick child.  Bring it.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Happy Monday.

I started off my week with a sudsy bang last night when I sent my cell phone through the wash.  I have had a cell phone for over 12 years now, and never have I been so brilliant as to wash it.  The thing that really irritates me?  I wasn't even going to wash the sweatshirt my phone was in, but it was next to the laundry basket and I grabbed it to throw it in with the last load since it wasn't 100% clean.

Then this morning, after I got Alex out to the car and all buckled in, he told me he had to go to the bathroom.  So, back inside we went were he took as long as humanly possible and required multiple reminders to focus on what he was doing.  Ipso facto, I was 20 minutes late to work.

Which is fine since my day got cut even shorter with a call from day care telling me Alex had a fever of 101.4.  And since it was past half way through the day, he can't go back until Wednesday.  Oh, and his fever is in addition to the bright red cheek he's sporting, which was a result of he and another child getting in a hitting match.  Fun fun fun.


Molly and I took the kids bowling on Sunday.  They made it to frame 7 before asking if they could be done. Being the super mom that I am, I made him finish the game.  Nobody likes a quitter.

The bowling alley not only has bumpers for the kids, but they also have this ramp thing that you put the ball on and push it down the ramp onto the lane.  It doesn't make the ball go super fast, but it does make it get to the pins, which I'm guessing would be an issue if we let them just roll the ball themselves.

Molly snapped a couple pictures...why does my kid always look guilty?  Hazel's all sweet and posing for the picture.  My kid?  You can almost hear him thinking, "If I smile for this picture they won't notice I'm climbing on this ball thing, right?"

Thursday, February 14, 2013

C'mon 4!

This kid.  Killin' me.  He has the ability to melt my heart in one word, but the other 87% of time, I kinda wanna wring his scrawny little neck.  The lack of listening is reaching epic levels.

On Wednesday, I arrived at day care to pick him up at the same time as another mom.  I happen to like this woman so we were chatting while collecting our darlings' things.  Alex had his coat and hat on and he headed for the door with his friend.  He knows he has to wait for me, so I called out a quick Julius! and he stopped. But then he and his friend looked at each other and took off.

They ran to the other end of the building and locked themselves in the bathroom.  When we caught up, they were behind the locked door laughing like two cracked out squirrels.  I put on my best Mad Mom voice and told him to open the door that instant.  That request was met by louder raucous laughter.  Luckily, the day care people are smart and put a lock on the door that is extremely easy to open from the outside.  As I was opening the door, the two little shits were screaming with delight and attempting to barricade the door with the garbage can.

The delightful screams from Alex came to a screeching halt when I got in the bathroom, and from about 2 centimeters from his face, told him in no uncertain terms that this was not a good idea.  His expression went from "SO MUCH FUNNY!" to "whoa...shit just got real." in a nanosecond.

We got out to the car and the mindless nonlistening to instructions continued.  And continued still when we got home.  He and I were in the garage and he started spinning the back tire of a bike hanging on the wall.  I told him to stop because he could hurt his fingers.  He looked right at me while I was talking, and as soon as the sound of my voice stopped, he looked away and spun the damn wheel again.  With that I told him to go inside, sit on the couch, and think about why I was so upset and what choices he should have made.

I finished up outside, had a talk with him once I was inside and everything seemed back on track.  Until he was in the bath and everything came undone.  I calmly explained to him that it was making me upset that he wasn't listening and asked if he understood me.  He looked up at me with no emotion and just said, "Nope." So I told him I was done and that he needed to call for someone else to get him out of the tub and I walked out.  Trav asked what was going on and then said he would go in and talk to him.  But when he tried to open the door, he discovered that little shit had gotten out of the tub and locked the door.  Travis asked me if I by any chance had locked it and when I said no, he told me he was going to handle it, but I was not allowed to interfere.

Travis very rarely yells at Alex.  And this time he was pissed.  And Alex immediately freaked out to the point of near hyperventilation.  After a lot of crying all was right in the world and we read books before bed.  So, yeah, Wednesday night was super!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Age indicator

Folding Alex's clothes never ceases to make me say, "Holy man!  These!  These huge long pants fit my child!"  No joke.  Pretty sure I say it 9 out of 10 times.  It's just his clothes used to be so little.  Like difficult to fold because they were so little.

But last night something new happened.  His socks are now too big to get stuck in the gasket around the wash machine door like they used to.  He is so old that his feet are so big they require huge socks that aren't tiny and cute anymore.  So that's fun.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The power of waffles

Everything was going great this morning.  Alex got out of bed with minimal coaxing.  I found his elusive blue blankie.  He actually gave me an extra hug for finding said blankie.  Chocolate chip waffle was in the toaster.  But when it was time to leave, the shit hit the fan.  He didn't waaaaaaant to go.  And because he didn't want to go, he couldn't stand up and he couldn't turn off the tv and he couldn't put on his coat.  So, I told him he could either put on his coat and walk to the truck like a big boy, or I would carry him without his coat on.

In between all of that, I maybe got all super duper sarcastic and loudly said "Good morning!  I love it so so SO much when we have mornings like this!  It's my favorite when we argue about leaving!"...because I'm super mature like that.

Anywho, he opted for the no coat, mom carries him option.  Which irritated me beyond belief.  So I grabbed him, crammed his stuffed dolphin Ceasar in his coat sleeve since someone should wear the damn coat, filled my arms with everything else we needed and we left.  Since I wasn't exactly pleased, I didn't slowly accelerate upon leaving the driveway and we slid a little.  My little darling took that opportunity to remind that I needed to be careful because the roads were slippery.  Ya know what little man?  It's freaking cold outside too, but you didn't see me rubbing it in your face when you were all cold from being coat-less, so zip it.

We got about half way to day care without either of us uttering a word.  And then I hear a sweet little voice in the back asking me for his chocolate chip waffle.  The chocolate chip waffle that was still sitting in the toaster at home.  Awesome.  So then crying and begging and pleading for me to turn around to get his waffle began.  I wasn't upset about the fact that he didn't get his waffle at all.  But I was super upset that because I lost my patience, he had something concrete to be upset about.  I had promised him a delicious snack and didn't follow through and then refused to fix it.

The fact that I was only upset that he kinda won the war this morning lead to me sitting at my desk almost in tears over the fact that I lost my patience and then was as ass to my kid.  Yay for guilty parenting!


This year I was all ready to kick Valentines' Day's ass.  In a good way.  I already have the little cards to fill out for Alex's class and was just waiting for the list of kids names so I didn't forget anyone.  I saved a box for him to decorate.  I even saved a couple extra boxes in case someone in his class needed one.  I was on my game.

I asked his teacher this morning when they were decorating boxes, and mentioned I had a few to bring in and that I didn't remember seeing a note about when to bring a box in.  That's when she let me know that this year, FOR THE FIRST TIME, they made Valentines' Day bags.  Of course you did.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Reeeeal nice Mars

I'm fighting with Mars candy company again.  I'm pretty sure the new M&M's package is calling me fat and I don't appreciate it.  They made the bag just a little bit bigger and now call it a "sharing size" and claim there are two servings.  Clearly they have underestimated what qualifies as a serving.  Because half of that bag does not a full serving make...for me...the fattyboombalatty.

Who in the hell can eat 1/2 of a bag of peanut M&M's?  Actually, don't answer, because if you can, it'll just make me feel worse while simultaneously making me want to punch you in the throat.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

At least it was on the floor

Alex still needs to be reminded to take breaks every now and then to go to the bathroom, but overall, he's got it down pat.  He also reminds me as he's running to the bathroom that he doesn't need help.  He seems to forget that he enjoys company whilst then I get summoned about 13 seconds after I've been told my assistance is not needed.

Last night, the same routine took place, but since my presence wasn't requested I gathered pooping was not on the schedule.  Good good.  After a long enough amount of time that I was going to go check on him, he yelled for me.

I walked in to find him standing next to a giant pile of toilet paper on the floor, still connect to the roll.  His explanation?  "I fink the paper toiwet came out too fast."

Wednesday, February 6, 2013


I'm not really sure why, but there has been no Decontamination Period after this trip.  I don't know if it's because Travis was with him or what, but I'm lovin' it.  There hasn't been any testing of boundaries or sassing  or any other one of a myriad of horrible behaviors he has launched on us in the past.  Well, there hasn't been any beyond the normal daily 3 year old crap he pulls.  It's nice.

Last night was filled with playing, all three of us eating together (four if you count the dog under the table at Alex's chair), and fort building.  There was a little fight about going to bed, but it was over quickly.  After we read the first book, Alex looked up and told me he needed to listen to my heart.  He put his little ear against my chest for a couple seconds and then quickly announced that my heart was empty.  Nice.  So I asked him with what we could possibly fill it.  His response..."I fink," finger tapping his tiny chin, "...Ah-HA!  I know what we forgot!  Peanut butter cups!  I'll go get one."

Between how hard I was laughing and how impressed I was with that involved charade to get a peanut butter cup, there was no way I wasn't going to let him have that treat and that little boy went to bed with chocolate smeared on his face.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

When I wasn't busy pouting about missing my boys, I did manage to have a bit of fun in CA.

Home is where my heart is

I had a really good time in California over the weekend.  It was great to see Melanie.  We ate a ton.  Drank our fair share; and probably your fair share too.  We found bridesmaid dresses that look great on all three bridesmaids.

But holy man, I was homesick.  Like from the moment I left the house.  As much as I love being with Melanie, all I wanted to do was be at home with my boys.  We did get to Skype a couple of times, which was awesome, but I really just wanted to hug them and sit on the couch with them and play tag with them.  Now, don't get me wrong...not having any responsibilities for 4 full days?  That?  That I could get used to.  But I want to have no responsibilities while hanging out with them.  So, we're back to becoming independently wealthy...'cause that's working out so well.

My connecting flight from Chicago was delayed, but I knew exactly where to find my boys when I landed.  The "excagators."  I swear we would never have to hire a babysitter if we just installed some escalators in our house.  I was right!  They were just getting off of the down escalator and headed five feet over to the up escalator when I spotted them.  Trav saw me and pointed me out to Alex.  Alex ran back over the base of the down escalator and waited for me while running in place and yelling MOMMY!MOMMY!MOMMY!  Once I got down to him, he jumped on me, hugging me around my neck.  He didn't say anything at all.  He just hugged onto me and would not let go.  It was awesome.  And it almost made the missing them worth it.

Let it snow!

I knew when I let Alex take my window scraper out of my truck I would regret it.  Watching the snow fall in gobs outside of my office is letting me realize that regret full force.