Thursday, November 29, 2012


I was laying down with Alex last night, trying to get him to settle down and sleep.  But he had important and exciting things on his mind.  Santa is coming.

The amount of spit that flew out of his mouth while he frantically told me Santa is coming!  And he's bring trains!  And train tracks!  And toys! was insane.  I felt like I needed one of those medical face shield things.  No, not one of the surgical of these:  

Ok, kiddo, please go on about Santa, I'm ready.


Alex had a play date last night.  Which is nice for both of us.  He gets to play with his friend, and I get to have a glass of wine with my friend!  Play dates are some of the times I am so thankful we turned our front porch into his playroom.  All of his toys are out there, so it gives them some time to just be kids and us some time to be normal adults.

Last night, I kinda wished the toys were a little closer so I could have reached my darling child faster when I heard him yelling, "Kill!  Kill!  Kill!" while aiming his helicopter at his train track.  Yeah.  That happened.  The helicopter is currently residing on a very high shelf in a closet.

The thing I don't understand is where these things come from.  We didn't have any shoot-outs in our house, but last year, he all of sudden was running around with his fingers in a gun formation and Pew!Pew!Pew!-ing the dog.  And we obviously aren't exposing him to anything that would show helicopters blowing up train tracks and killing people, yet there we were.

Are boys just born with this shit in their brains, set to leak out on a specific time release?  Or I am raising a serial killer?  Pleasebebornwithit.Pleasebebornwithit.Pleasebebornwithit.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Hugs & Love & Stuff

Alex's hugs are getting better and better, and last night was no exception.

After reading books, he usually places his request for me to sleep with him.  Which is then whittled down to me just laying with him for a bit.  However, if you'll recall, he currently sleeps on a crib mattress on the floor.  He's small, but when I lay on that mattress with him, I have to contort myself in such a way it makes it next to impossible to get up without waking him up if he falls asleep.  Since I am not a circus performer, I end up laying on his Cars futon.  I'm sure that futon is quite cushiony if you are a 40lb toddler.  But when you are a whole-lot-more-than-40lb adult, cushiony it is not.  And most nights, he decides sleeping on his mattress is not acceptable because it is multiple inches away from me and how is he supposed to be able to roll over and smash me in the face with his wildly flailing head that way?...and he snuggles up next to me on the futon.

Last night, as we laid all smooshed up on the futon, he asked me to give him back scratches.  I knew I had a jagged nail.  I knew this becaase I felt it earlier, but just couldn't gather the focus to go get a file and fix it.  With the knowledge of this jagged spear at the end of my finger, I opted to rub his back instead of scratch it.  He immediately spun around to look at me and inform me those were  not scratches; those were pets.  Well, excuuuUUuusse me, Mr. Knowseverythingaboutbackscratches.  Turn around Your Highness, the scratches will commence.  Please be sure to let me know if they do not reach the level of excellence you expect and deserve.

But, as my hip and shoulder were getting sore from laying on 1" of the most easily flattened foam ever, Alex started wiggling all around again.  Before I could tell him to lay still, he slid his little right arm under my neck and wrapped his left arm around my shoulder and gently rubbed my back.  And if that wasn't enough to melt my heart, he whispered, "Mom?  I love ya.  I love ya."

And with that, I forgot all about him putting his foot through the insulating plastic I had just finished putting up  on his windows before bed time.  He's slick that one.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Oh, I'm sorry, did you need some toilet paper?  I didn't realize since you didn't call it by it's proper name.  It's "Paper Toiwet."  Don't get it twisted.


Alex finally got a real haircut.  Like at a salon and everything.  No more of me wrestling him and a clippers all while trying to keep hair off of the KitKat prize.  So, off to JCPenny's we went.  Being the brilliant person I am, I called on Friday...yep, this last Friday...Black Friday.  But, they had an opening and we found a killer parking spot.  Two outta three so far!

I was very very nervous about this whole ordeal.  Sometimes he's good with strangers, but other times, not so much.  And I figured since this particular stranger was going to make him sit in a weird chair and put a cape on him and then arm herself with scissors, this may be a one of those not so much times.  Luckily this lady was very nice and didn't judge me for fake-excitedly telling her this was Alex's first haircut!  The first time someone other than Mama has cut it!  And he's never sat in a chair like this!  And let's all act super excited so he doesn't freak out!

He was so so so good.  He sat still and didn't freak out.  He listened to her and paid attention when either of us gave him instructions.  He apparently like her...he invited her to ride horses at Grandma's house.  And when she asked how she would get there, he assured her there was room in his daddy's car for her too.  When all was said and done, he got a super cute $14 haircut and a cherry sucker to boot!

Here is where I should put a picture of how cute he looked in that cape on the barber's chair, because holy man did he look cute.  A good mom would have a picture to put here.  To show off how cute and well behaved her child was.  Yeeeeah, about that.  I am an idiot and taking a picture of this milestone didn't even cross my mind once.  Until Lora asked to see how cute he was.

Don't mind me.  I'm just over here adjusting my Mother of the Year award.  It got a little crooked.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

See ya!

Alex will not leave day care without saying good-bye to all of his friends.  Hugs, kisses, waves.  Or sometimes just a general "Bye guys!" belted out from the door.  But if there is someone in the parking lot at the same time we are?  No holds barred.

If he isn't buckled in yet, he clamors out of his seat and runs over to hug whatever unsuspecting child is in sight.  If he is buckled, he zips down his window and starts maniacally waving while yelling...I kid you not, he yells the same thing every single time..."BYE!  SEE YOU MONDAY!"

Monday, November 19, 2012

Sherlock I'm not

So, remember the other day when I was all sad Half Price Books didn't have a copy of Green Eggs & Ham?  Turns out I didn't need to be sad because we already have it.  Yep.  Right there on Alex's bookshelf.  It's a collector's edition and everything.  It's just been hangin' out for I don't know how long, waiting for me to find it, all the while with me telling my child we can't read the book he really wants to read because we don't have it.

Kickin' ass and takin' names.


We have some games on our tab thingy that Alex really likes.  Fruit Slice, Angry Birds, Toilet Paper Drag.  He's getting pretty good at them and his reactions to losing and winning are hilarious.  The sounds with the games get a little old though.  Fruit Slice isn't so bad; I can get behind some Samurai sword action.  But those damn pigs grunting on Angry Birds and the music that goes with the timer of the toilet paper game are enough to make me crazy.

It was just the beast and me yesterday.  Heaven forbid Travis's work would let them have a day off for Thanksgiving without making them work a different day!  Anyway, Alex and I were having a good day.  Not that a day that starts with grilled cheese for breakfast has any chance at being a bad day, I mean really.

Alex was doing a really good job of taking breaks and going to the bathroom without being told all day. One of those times, I was proudly standing in the kitchen, reflecting on our incredible child and impressive parenting skills.  And that's when I realized that incredible child had been in the bathroom for quite some time.  And that's when I noticed the song he was singing.  It was the same obnoxious song from the toilet paper game.  I peeked in just in time to see him come to the end of the toilet paper roll, jump up, fists raised high, with a "YES!" and a little victory bounce on the huge pile of unrolled toilet paper.

At least he didn't shred it like the dog does when she unrolls it.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Growing Up

Since Alex started talking, he has called any sort of emergency vehicle a "wee-ooo-wee-ooo."  Every fire truck, police car, ambulance.  "Look Mom!  A wee-ooo-wee-oo!"

Last night we were on our way home and we passed a police car that had someone pulled over.  A zillion red and blue lights were strobing and from the back seat I hear, "Look!  An officer!"  And my heart broke just a little bit.  In that sentence, he was all of a sudden a little boy, not a baby.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Merry Bookmas

I realized the other night, Alex's little library needs some serious updating.  I'd say at least 7/8 of his books are geared toward kids no older than 2.  Older than 2 he is.  Also, he is bored of his books and is now asking for books they read at day care.  Like last night when I asked him what books he wanted to read and got a response of, "Sam I Am!  Green Ham Eggs!  Sam and Eggs!"  We needs us some new books.

I heard/saw/read/Idon'tknowwherethisisfrom about an idea for Christmas times.  Instead of an Advent calendar, you get a new book every day.  I'm pretty sure wherever it was I saw this idea, it was proposed as a way to not give kids a whole calendar of chocolate.  I don't really think 1 tiny piece of crappy chocolate a day is going to ruin a child.  I'm more concerned with why we feel we need to schedule our chocolate consumption.  Moving on.

I am on a mission to find, buy, and wrap 25 books.  Which, if one is not careful, can be a pricey task.  Lucky for me, his daycare participates in Scholastic Book Club.  Almost all of the books are paperback, but a literary snob I refuse to raise; paperback will be just fine.  I found 20 or so books to order in this month's flyer, and a quick trip to Half Price Books rendered 4 Dr. Seuss books.  They didn't have a copy of Green Eggs & Ham, but I figure they'll probably get a copy in sometime before December 25th.


By the way, the green light day was apparently only a one day sale.  Bright side?  We got in on the sale while it was there!  Down side?  The Brown Elephant Blanket is currently squirreled away until behavior shapes up.

I still can't get over how devastated he is when I take that blanket away, and it still isn't quite enough for him to remember to control his freaking hands every day.  I asked his teachers if we could just tape his arms to his body.  When they cried child abuse, I clarified I only wanted to tape his upper know, so he still had use of his arms from the elbow he would only have the reach of a tiny TRex.  Turns out they still think that would be child abuse.  Damn.


On the way home last night, Alex was quietly talking to himself and every couple of words he was making a clucking/clicking sound with his tongue.  It went on for quite some time.  I figured Umi Zoomi has been taken over by an African tribe, and they are teaching him Xhosa when I am out of the room.

Turns out he was trying to mimic the sound of the drum beat in the song that was on the radio and the quiet "talking" was really him singing along but not knowing the words.  I haven't confirmed Umi Zoomi's language teachings yet...

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Cousin Time

We had some Californian company this past weekend.  And while they wanted to see Alex, we all wanted to go out and play Saturday and not have to worry about coming home at a specific time for a babysitter, and most of all not have to worry about getting up the next morning.  Off to Platteville the beast child went!

I have to say, I love the days leading up to him going to Platteville.  I can get him to do just about anything when I have the promise of that trip in my back pocket.  I try not to use it as an absolute consequence though, 'cause that would be a bit of a bitch to have to follow through on.  When I told him he was going, and was going all by himself, he responded with a fist pump and "yesssssssssssssssssss."

He had a great time as always and was crazy well behaved.  While I was very happy he was good for them, I couldn't help but let a little bit of huge frustrated jealousy sneak in that he was good for them, but such an insufferable ass for me.  According to his aunt and uncle, that's a sign of good parenting.  I think they're just trying to ease the burn a little.

Apparently, he did not keep his hands to himself the whole time though.  On Sunday morning he was playing with the boys and landed one of his patented Drive by Whackings on his cousin's arm.  His cousin that has two brothers.  Brothers who all beat the crap out of each other all the time like typical brothers.  Yeah.  That cousin didn't exactly tolerate a Drive by Whacking, and got in a good shove before Alex got away.  Alex immediately ran to his uncle to tattle.  His uncle had seen the whole thing and just plainly said, "Well, you hit him...that doesn't really fly around here."

Now it's my turn...fist pump and yesssssssssssssssssssssssss.


He did it!!  He was on the green light when I picked him up yesterday!!!  Lots of exclamation points!!!!

His teachers were so excited to tell me.  Like more excited than people should be that a child managed to not be an asshole for one day.  That is the brink to which he has pushed all of us.  One day of listening and not smacking everyone he sees and we are all positively glowing.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Monday smiles

A tiny candy corn sticker on the floor of your office after falling off of whatever piece of clothing your 3 year old snuck it onto.

I'll take things to make you smile on an insanely busy Monday, Mr. Trebek.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Is today gonna be the day?  The day that his name stays on the green light?  I'm not holdin' my breath, but I am mentally planning the fanfare if it does happen.  Lots of praise, high-fives, and a whole bucket of Brown Elephant Blanket.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Just one of them days

I have days when all I want is to be as far away from Alex as possible.  But then I have other days.  Days when it actually hurts my heart if I focus on the fact that I don't get to be with him all day.  Days when all I really really want is to snuggle him and play with him and giggle with him.  Today is one of those days.

It doesn't hurt that after a particularly difficult night last night, he snuggled up to me on the couch this morning and said, "You're my best, Mom."  Best friend?  Best food giver?  Best butt wiper?  I don't know and I don't care.  I just snuggled in a little closer and told him he's my best too.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

The acorn and the tree

Alex has a pretty weak stomach just like his mama.  If something goes in that his belly remotely doesn't like, out it comes.  If he coughs too hard?  Vomit.  If he gets too wound up?  Vom dot com.  Last night was no exception.

After dinner he and Travis were playing in the living room while I was cleaning up.  And just as I smiled to myself about how sweet the sound of a child's maniacal laughter can be, I heard a cough.  And not just any cough...but the tell tale cough.  The second I heard it I declared it was gonna be a puker.  Within 10 seconds, the laughter stopped and Alex came sprinting through the kitchen in a mad dash to get to the bathroom.  Alas, he didn't quite make it.  So splat on the floor went dinner.

As I was consoling him and placing his head in the garbage can to make sure the rest of dinner didn't end up on the kitchen floor, from the couch I hear, "Did he make a mess?"  Ummm...yes, Einstein, there is a mess.  The retching and splattering and consoling about not making it to the bathroom didn't quite all add up for ya, huh?

As I was cleaning that up, Alex headed back into the living room, and I head one more cough.  I stood up just in time to see him running toward me, puke, and in turn slip and know, due to the freaking puke.

And while I was stripping Alex and trying to clean up that mess, Travis pipes up with, "Dude...he totally gets that from you."  I never thought I would be happy to have my hands full with a vomit-covered child, but at that moment, I'm pretty sure it kept me out of jail.

Monday, November 5, 2012

I quit.

In the past two weeks I have purchased and returned 4 pairs of shoes that didn't fit my little Cinderella's feet.  Four.  Saturday morning Travis took Alex to run some errands so Mama could sleep off Friday night.  They made three stops:  Farm N Fleet, Famous Footwear, the french fry store (McDonald's to you commoners).  Did you see only one of those stops was for shoes?  Only one.  And they found a pair that fits him and he likes them.  ONE STOP.

They are pretty obnoxious and light up on the tongue, the two spots on the toe of the shoe, and both of those round spots on the sole, on EACH SHOE, but his fat little feet are covered.  I am just seriously pissed that one freaking stop and those boys get done what I have been trying to accomplish in waaaay more stops and two weeks time.  Whatever.  I'll be done pouting soon.

Progress...I think.

The youngest member of our family has not mastered waking up to pee throughout the night.  We'll get there.  But recently, he has been waking up immediately after he pees.  Then I hear, "Mom!  I need you!"  And down the stairs I trudge to find him very unhappy and pulling his soggy diaper off.  At 4:30, this morning was no different.  But the problem this morning was that we were out of diapers.  But that didn't stop him from ripping off his "disgusting soaking" diaper.  So I put a blanket down on his bed and hoped for the best.

When my alarm went off at 6:10, I heard some rustling around downstairs and just assumed Travis hadn't left yet.  When I finally got my lazy ass up and headed downstairs, I was met at the bottom of the steps by a naked, very proud, Mr. Alex.  I asked him what he was doing up.  He announced he got up because he "just had to go potty a little bit...and poop."

As he was running for the couch and his blankets, I asked him how long he had been awake.  "Ummm...just about $40."  Ok.  Sure.  It's 6:30 in the morning; I'll take dollars as a measurement for time.  But just so we're clear, if I find pee on the wall, you owe me 7:15 and 2 purple kangaroos.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Drinks 2012!

The extent of the political leanings that will be posted on this blog....

Get out there and vote!  And as they say, Vote Early!  Vote Often!


Last night was trick or treat in Madison.  Which meant Mr. Alex got to go trick or treating twice.  He was as excited to go last night as he was on Sunday.  So we headed out with our neighbors and their daughter Harper, and Cahwareah (Claire) and Addy.  Travis generously offered a traveling beverage to our neighbor, but stared blankly at me when I reminded him that I, his wife, also enjoy alcoholic beverages.  Nice.

Anywho, the kids had a blast running around the neighborhood, and listening to Alex say/sing "twick or tweeEEaat!" and then scream "THANK YOU!" at each neighbor kinda won me over on Halloween.  That and the fact that I didn't have to dress up and just got to stand on the sidewalk and make sure he was polite.

Once the sun went down, the parents were cold and done with trick or treating so we headed home.  Alex was immediately just as excited to hand out candy as he was to walk around gathering it.  Our storm door opens out, but our front stoop is pretty small, so the kids would have to come up to the stoop, ring the bell and then back away for the door to open, only to come back up to get the candy.  Instead of that circus, Travis just takes the window out of the door and hands out candy that way.  I'm not sure if that is what triggered it, but Alex instantly started calling the trick or treaters, "customers."  Each and every time someone came to the door, he would go running to the door yelling, "Dad!  We have more customers!"  One time he was in the bathroom and heard Travis talking to some kids and he came running out with his pants around his ankles, looking excitedly desperate and just kept saying, "Customers?  Customers!"

Travis got the brilliant idea to trick the kids coming to our house.  So each time some kids came to get candy, Travis would say, "Oh man, I'm sorry...we ran out of candy a while ago, but I have some carrots for you!" and would offer a big bowl of carrots.  And as the kids were sadly/confusedly/begrudgingly reaching for a carrot he would own up that he was just kidding and offer the candy.  Every. Single. Time.

In touch with his emotions...

Upon arrival at daycare this morning, Alex announces, "My feelings my leg."