Thursday, June 28, 2012

All class. All the time.

Couple things...

First, it is crazy hot so I wore capris to work today.  Good good.  Except I haven't shaved in juuuust under a week.  Not good good.  In an attempt to shield my coworker from my Sasquatchian appearance, I shaved my lower legs real quick like before I left the house.  But I brilliantly only shaved up to the bottom hem of my pants, not thinking about the eventual pant leg raising when one sits down at their desk.  So now I have a smooth lower leg, with Burt Reynold's-esque hair sticking out from under my capris.

Second, I had Qdoba for lunch.  So delicious.  But every once in a while, or you know, like 87% of the time I go there, I finish my burrito and I swear I could eat another one.  Because what normal human isn't satisfied by a full pound of burrito heaven?  Me apparently.  Havin' one of those days today.  

So between the fur and the insatiable appetite, I am feelin' super sexy and dainty today.  Let's just blame it on the humidity.  

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Mama said Knock You Out

Warning:  Possible skewed perception post ahead.

Travis has been calling Alex a Mama's boy lately.  I am less than pleased.

He is not a Mama's boy.  And I am not just saying that because I am the Mama.  He really isn't.  He is a tough kid for a 3 year old.  Ohmygodheisgoingtobe3inadayandahalf.  He does usually come to me if he is hurt or sad, but it's not like I sit there and pour attention over him...I mean unless he is really hurt, then of course he gets an attentive mom.  And I try to be very conscious of not making him a Mama's boy.  All this is not to mention the fact that I AM AROUND MORE.  I am with him every morning and usually pick him up every afternoon.  I am lucky enough to have a job that I don't have to work crazy hours.  So let's just be honest here Trav...Alex going to the person he is with more often does not a Mama's boy make him.

Aaaaaaany way, it was obviously irritating me so I told Travis that I didn't appreciate it and really needed him to stop calling Alex a Mama's boy.  He said he understood and it hasn't come up since.

When we picked Alex up on Friday from camping, he saw me first.  He smiled a huge smile, yelled Mama! and gave me a big hug.  And then he saw Travis.  He immediately screamed DADDY!, wriggled out of my arms and ran to Travis.  It took every fiber of my being to not say, "Oh man, just look at that Mama's boy.  Sickening."


Monday Alex was dry all day at day care and soiled himself twice at home.

Yesterday he had three accidents at day care and was dry all night at home.

Ya think one of these days he can get those two lined up just right?

Too bad

Alex picked up some new phrases after hanging out with his cousins for almost a week.  Now anytime he likes something, it is Awesome!  "Mom, look!  This is AWESOME!"  And he kinda of says it in a yell whisper to really show his astonishment.

Now when he wants to show you something..."Hey, check this out!"  And since he's been back, he follows the dog around saying, "What's up Aiden?  What's up?"  Over and over and over.  She is super excited to have him home.

So far, there is only one phrase that is getting the nix.  "I don't care."  Oh?  You don't care that I am upset at you for not listening to a single word that comes out of my mouth?  You don't care that it's time for bed?  You don't care that I said no?  Tough shit kiddo.  I have been responding to "I don't care" with, "well, too bad."  So the other night when all hell broke loose because I was requiring the child to take a bath, immediately after he yelled that he didn't care, he yelled that it isn't too bad, Mom!

Gettin' there

The swing set building adventure is taking way longer than Travis anticipated.  It's only slightly running behind my expectations.  The fort platform is up and done and secured and supported and braced.  That sucker is not going anywhere.  And last night the slide got installed.

Sooooo, I pretty much bought the most difficult to assemble slide ever created.  It had to be huge because Travis made the play platform 5 feet tall.  So the slide comes in two pieces.  Two pieces of really sturdy thick plastic that you have to bend the ends to get the screw holes to line up.  Don't worry, Alex made sure to help me hold it while Travis tried really hard to not cuss out the slide while trying to get the screws in.  And that wasn't even the bad part.

The instructions for the slide installation included instructions for building and connecting a support structure.  The instructions were not exactly correct.  Or helpful.  I am pretty sure Travis rebuilt the support structure four times.  At 11:15, I went out to check on him and when I said something about it being late, he just looked up at me with despair and said, "I am WAY too pissed off now to not finish this."

At about 11:45, he triumphantly walked upstairs to announce the slide had been installed and said, "I am not sure if it is safe for the 250lbs they say it is rated for, but 230lbs just went down that fucker like lightning."

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

He wins

I picked up an accident-free, dry-pantsed child yesterday.  A child that left riding bikes at day care, his all time favorite activity at day care, to go to the bathroom...without anyone asking or telling him to go...all on his own.  We went to Menard's.  He told me when he had to pee and we made it to the bathroom.  We got home and he took not one, but two breaks to pee outside.  We went inside for a snack.  Aaaaand he peed in his shorts while eating noodles.  So I changed him and reminded him that he was wearing underwear so he needed to tell me, or just go to the bathroom, if he needed to go.  Not five minutes later, "Mom, I pooped in my underwear."

I.  Give.  Up.

Monday, June 25, 2012

New Week...More Pee Talk

I decided not to burden Travis's parents with potty training while they had Alex for a week.  I sent a zillion pairs of underwear, but also sent diapers and told them whichever worked.  They chose the latter.  I cannot blame them.  

When I dropped him off this morning, I let his teacher know we were starting over.  I just got a message a little while ago, not only has he not had any accidents, he is also going to the bathroom on his own without reminders.

Any bets on how long 'til he pees in his pants once I show up?

Back to the grind

Ahhh...Monday mornings after the beast has been with his much older than him cousins...

Me:  Alex, you have to remember, playing with your cousins is different than playing at school.  You can't wrestle with your friends at school.
Alex:  Can I wrestle the teachers?

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Making Dad Happy

Once again, we love love loved the Fathers' Day present from day care:
Apparently while they were taking the pictures, he would only smile little closed-lip smiles.  So they said, "Show your teeth!"  Ipso facto:  Picture #2.

They had it in a vertical hanging configuration, but I wanted something a little more permanent, so I bought the frame.  And sorry about the poor picture quality; I do not possess my mother's photographic skills.

New Make-Up

I gotta figure out a different way to eat my breakfast in the morning.  This Cheerios thing is proving a bit beyond my capabilities.  This morning, as I was pouring the Cheerios into my mouth from the tupperware container instead of picking them up like a civilized ape, I breath-laughed at something my coworker said...and blew Cheerio dust all over my face.  Are whole grains good for your complexion?

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Nice Hardware Baby

I finished disassembling the old swing set last night.  Since it was 95° outside, I was wearing some loose fitting athletic shorts and a hot pink camisole shelf-bra tank top.  It is beyond safe to say that my post-Alex boobs require more than a camisole tank top, but I was in my own backyard and it was hotter than the hobs of hell, so whatever.  But then I had to take the wood from the old set to the city waste drop off site.  I could have changed, but I really could have cared less about my outfit for the guys at the drop off site.  Garbage and a show!  Yay!

I got there and the guy told me what dumpster to use and then very nicely came over to help me.  He immediately commented on the heat, which I am guessing was at least in part due to the amount of sweat marks on the stomach portion of my tank top.  So attractive.  Again, whatever, we were just two people sweatin' it out while just trying to get our work done.  But then Travis called...

He asked me to go to Menard's to pick up some screws.  Awesome.  Totally dressed for public.  Especially when that particular public place BLASTS you with Icelandic air conditioning as you walk in the door.  Absolutely a lovely and welcome experience on a hot day...if you are wearing appropriate clothing.

So yeah, I walked around Menard's with my arms crossed over my chest...because that's natural and comfortable looking.  When I got home and told Travis about my not embarrassing whatsoever trip to Meanard's, he responds with, "Ha!  Did you offer to hang a couple hats?"  No, dick, I didn't.  Here are your flipping screws.

Herp! Durp!

We did some swimming at my parents' last weekend.  Such a change from last summer.  Last summer he would barely go in the pool and would no way no how let go of me.  But this summer...This kid is a swimmer!  Not always the smartest looking swimmer though...
He found it hilarious when Grandpa would "try" to get him...
Pretty sure he is proud of himself this year.
And just in case you needed your heart melted a little bit today...

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Killin' it.

I totally feel like an adult every time I have to find my shoes so I can get up and go to the bathroom at work. And even more so when I was in the bathroom and went to look at the tag of the super comfy pair of underwear I am wearing so I can get some more of them, only to realize my underwear has been on inside out all day.

Experiment: Over....please?!?

Yep, I'm done.  He needs to come home.  Like now.

I am not going to see him for another 76 hours and I think I am gonna puke.  Or cry.  Most likely both.  I knew I was going to worry about him, but I was not expecting this....this scared, sad, empty feeling thing I've got goin' on.

You would think with all the bitching I do about him, I would be enjoying this.  Taking in the moment and breathing the still quiet air.  Nope.  I am officially a worried/missing him mess.  Maybe I should take this as a lesson and not bitch about him so much.  HA!  Hahahahahaa!  That kid is the highest level of insane-o and is taking me right along with him...I'm gonna bitch.  But he is my little insane-o and he makes me laugh and he gives me hugs and tells me he loves me and I WANT HIM BACK.

The only good part about this is that we are getting some beast-free evenings to try to build this freaking swing set/fort we decided to build for his birthday.  I am really hoping at least the fort part is done before he comes home because I have a small portion of the old one left to take apart and then we gots nothin' until the new one is done.  And not having a fort will make one very sad child.  Maybe just being home with us will be enough because he misses us as much as I miss him?  Once again, HA!

So it's gonna be that kinda day...

Customer:  I need a quote for 12 purple polka dotted fireman poles as soon as possible.
Me:  That will be $1,230.87 Delivered.
Customer:  I have to add for freight right?
Me:  I hate you.


I don't usually re-blog or whatever, but this was too good.

Why living with a toddler is like living in a frat house:

-There are half-full, brightly-colored plastic cups on the floor in every room. Three are in the bathtub.
-There's always that one girl, bawling her eyes out in a corner.
-It's best not to assume that the person closest to you has any control over their digestive function.
-You sneak off to the bathroom knowing that as soon as you sit down, someone's going to start banging on the door.
-You've got someone in your face at 3 a.m. looking for a drink.
-There's definitely going to be a fight.
-You're not sure whether anything you're doing is right, you just hope it won't get you arrested.
-There are crumpled-up underpants everywhere.
-You wake up wondering exactly how and when the person in bed with you got there.
-You lie to your parents about what's going on at your place.
-At least one person is lying on the floor, either face up or face down, singing at the top of their lungs.
-There's bound to be someone dancing naked in the front yard.
-Often, for no reason, someone laughs uncontrollably for minutes on end.
-All conversation occurs as though at least one of you has forgotten the language.
-People can't climb the stairs without using their hands.
-No one walks in a straight line and they randomly fall down.
-There are always fights that need to be broken up. And are immediately followed by "I love you, bro."
-Somebody just ate a goldfish...and he seems very VERY proud of himself.
-Try as you might, you cannot get people to stop dancing on the furniture.
-Whenever you sit down some weird guy is RIGHT there, hanging all over you. Not taking a hint.
-You constantly say things like "Please, dont lick my pants!" and wonder why on earth you would EVER have to say that outloud.

Monday, June 18, 2012


My mother-in-law just posted this and made my day!

This sucks.

Well, we dropped him off yesterday.  I only cried for about 10 minutes after we left.

We planned a stealth get away as to avoid a meltdown and we totally succeeded...until I realized a mile down the road that we still had the car seat with us.  Not exactly the most helpful spot for the car seat to be.  Perhaps having it with a car that might be carrying the child would a better idea.  So we had to head back to drop it off.  We didn't make it out so stealthfully the second time.  And I now have my tiny little 3 year old's voice yelling Moooooooom! after our car burned into my memory.  That outta be fun to play on repeat in my head for the next 5 days.

I have completely convinced myself that something terrible is going to happen.  There are two that I keep coming back to.  1.  He is going to over heat and barf all over my in-laws camper.  2.  He is going to fall and break his arm and be scared and we are not going to be there to let him know it will be ok.

Travis is no help.  He's just all level-headed and positive Alex will be fine.  Yeah, ok dude.  If you say so.

Also, it just blows my mind how I can miss someone so much.  Especially when that particular someone drives me to the very end of my ragged rope multiple times a day.
I can honestly tell you that I did not think I was ever in my life going to have to use the phrase, "Alex!  Come here!  There is poop falling off of your butt!"

But then again, not too many years ago, I wouldn't have thought I was going to have a 3 year, yeah, there's that.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Camp Stress-A-Lot

We are dropping Alex off with Trav's parents for a 5-1/2 day camping trip on Sunday.  All of the cousins will be there as well, which be will a huge help on all fronts.  Well all fronts except for the My Brain front.  I cannot get comfortable with this.  This will be the longest he has ever been away from us.  And we are in the middle of potty training.  And I won't get to read books with him at night.  And every other of a zillion horrible things.

With each passing day, I am getting more and more anxious.  Kinda wanna cry/puke right now.  Good times.  

Wednesday, June 13, 2012


We have had a turn of events in PottyGate 2012.

When we got home last night, Alex wanted to play outside.  I had to stuff to do in the kitchen before my lovely ladies showed up, so I told him he could stay outside and I would leave the door open so I could hear him if he needed anything.  And does he have to go potty?  No?  Are you sure?  We can go real quick and you can come right back outside.  Nope?  Ok...

A little bit later, I couldn't hear him so I called out, "Hey buddy!  Whatchadoin?"  And I get, "Nufin'...just peeing."  Seriously?  Another pee soaked set of clothes.  Sweet.  So I put down the fruit dip mid-stir and begrudgingly went out to collect my pee baby.  But instead of pee soaked shorts, I see a naked butt.  He has pulled down his pants and is peeing on the sidewalk.  Facing the street.

You guys, I was so happy that I wasn't going to have to change him and add to the giant drift of laundry threatening to take over my basement steps.  So happy in fact, I showered him with praise and excitedly told him how elated I was that he didn't pee in his pants.

Travis had planned on taking Alex out for dinner so the ladies could take over the house uninterrupted.  As they were leaving, it suddenly hit me that Trav was not aware of the lack of diaper on the beast.  I told him and he immediately told Alex they had to go potty before they left.  He, of course, refused.  Until Mariah piped up and suggested he pee outside.  Hot damn, we have a winner!

Then this morning rolled around.  He was all dressed and ready to go when he told me he had to take his diaper off to go potty outside.  I gently suggested using the bathroom instead.  And he could stand up to pee!  And we could put Cheerios in there for him to sink!  No dice.  "I just go outside Mama."  Ya know what?  Go for it kiddo.  I went out with him and placed him in the lawn.  At which point he corrected me and told me he had to be on the sidewalk.  He's awfully particular for someone peeing in nature.  Pretty sure our neighbors were super impressed at the scenery to start their morning commute.

I made sure to make his teacher aware of the goings on so when he dropped trou during outside play time they were prepared.  I informed her, wished her luck and ran away.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012


My girlfriends started a book club.  We named it, "My Book Club Reads Wine Labels."  I am hosting this time.  Which means I pick the book.  The Master and Margarita.  And while I like the book, it is just so incredibly hard to read.  Like difficult enough that nobody has finished it yet and most just gave up.  A friend not in this little club of ours commented that it is his favorite book....but that he read it in a college course...with a professor helping them understand it.  So, I'm thinkin' I might be missing a lot, but whatevs.  On to the more important stuff:  Food.

I am making roasted baby bell peppers stuffed with cream cheese, walnuts and green onions; fruit with a sour cream based dip; mushroom stuffed vienna bread; chips and dip; pico de gallo.  The pico is solely because I am obsessed with it.  I could easily eat a tub of it every day.  Like a bathtub of it.  Since I am so pico oriented lately, I have been making it quite often.  And making it without incident.  Last night's batch?  Incident-central.

As of late, the jalapeƱos at the store have been pretty darn mild.  Which is just fine for pico in my book.  I don't know if Trav got these particular peppers from the Nuclear Pepper selection or what, but holy shitballs.  I cut the top off of the first one and immediately sneezed.  It just smelled spicy.  So, I made sure to core and seed it really well to get the heat out.  Ha!  This pepper laughed at me.  There is a very real possibility this will go down as inedible pico de gallo.  Which is the least of my concerns.

I cannot get the pepper oil off of my fingers.  I have washed them a ton of times.  I have done a sugar scrub with a nail scrubber.  Nothin'.  Putting in my contacts this morning re-introduced me to a form of torture I cannot believe mobsters don't use.  And here I sit, my hands with a slow steady tingly burn and my eyes itching like mad from my allergies.  Luckily I touched my forehead a little while ago and now have a dime sized burning patch to help me remember to not touch my eyes.  So that's good...?

Fun Killer

All was back to normal yesterday afternoon and all was good this morning.  Phew!

While I was working on waking up and getting ready this morning, I decided to annoy Alex and pretend I was an airplane and crash land on him while he was snuggled up on the couch.  Upon my Crash! arrival, I was informed you can't do that...

Me - RRRRrrrrreeeerrerrrreeeer....CRASH!
Alex - You can't do that Mama.
Me - Why?
Alex - It's not nice to crash people.

Since when did he become the King of Etiquette?

So I asked if it was ok for me to crash land for some snuggles.  He let me know that was ok, and without taking his eyes off Mickey Mouse, he just started petting my head.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Happy Monday Morning!

Saturday night we were really smart parents and let Alex stay up way way way too late.  Which was all fine until Sunday rolled around.  Holy mood swings Batman.  He was doing great until he only took a 1 hour nap.  And then all hell broke loose.

I stupidly let him watch an episode of Team UmiZoomi.  Dumb dumb dumb Mama.  As soon as it was over and I went to check the score of the Brewer's game, the world ended...and his TV privileges were revoked.  As much as I knew I could immediately end the obnoxious display of fit throwing by turning the TV back on, I stood my ground.  I refuse to let an almost 3 year old scream at me.  Especially if it is because he can't watch Milli weigh some shit with her weird ponytail scales.  After a 12 minute spaz-out, I convinced him to go outside and everything was fine until bed time.

For a hot second there, I had a glimpse of an easy putting the beast to bed adventure.  I said it was time for jammy's, he hopped off his chair, said goodnight to Kari and Brent and went into his room.  I peed a little out of delusional excitement and followed him in.  Silly lady.  I don't even know how long it took to get him to stay in bed, but I do know it took two Band-Aids, a cup of juice and a bowl of Cheez-Its.  These things were conceded after a zillion requests to hooooooooold him and read just one more book and let him read one more book to me.

After about two blissful hours of the boy being asleep, he woke up and he was not happy.  He wasn't quite awake, but he was pissed.  In a semi-lucid state of nightmare, he was crying and yelling about me making him sad and not holding him and yelling at him.  Yay for guilt trips!  It's so hard to not feel bad when I have to reprimand or, you know, be a parent, but wow.  I just sat there holding him feeling like pretty much the worst.  This You're An Awful Mom experience lasted for what seemed like forever, and then he finally fell asleep.  Only to wake up a half hour later to relive the whole thing again.

Needless to say, I was really tired this morning.  And I was rushed as due to the previous night's angry child, I didn't get to shower.  And then Travis decided to not leave at his usual time and was kinda lolli-gagging around, but apparently was too busy getting ready to help with anything.  Awesomesauce.  Finally I got sick of hoping he would help out and started barking orders.  Yay for fun Mom!

I was just about to leave, on time mind you, and I went to close the door to Alex's room so the dog wouldn't be able to get in and wreak havoc throughout the day.  And I stepped and slid in a giant puddle of dog pee.  And then in my tired frustrated attempt to mop up the mess, I accidentally grabbed toilet bowl cleaner instead of floor cleaner, and squirted it all over the floor.  All while my little angel watched and constantly asked why Aiden pooped in his room.  Well honey, apparently she hates me and wants to make me cry.  Congratulations dog!  Goal achieved!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Conversation in the Key of P

Upon telling my friend that Alex peeing in his pants all the time is making me batty:

 Lora:  maybe he's conspiring with Aiden....?
she IS his best dog friend
and she is a renowned pisser
maybe they're having secret piss-planning meetings
laughing nefariously together
 me:  HAHAHHA!
probably knowing those two assholes

That's it

There were no wet underwear and pants in Alex's cubby when I picked him up yesterday!  Yay!  Dry all day!  No laundry!

We get home and I get him out of the car as quickly as possible because I have to pee really bad.  In the time it took to get him out of the car and into the fenced in yard, I must have said the word "potty" 17 times.  And I told him to come with me and he could go right after me.  He could even flush both times!  Nope.  He didn't have to go and wanted to play with some rocks we have at the end of our sidewalk.  Fine.

I ran in and peed only to come back out to him squatting over the rocks, beaming with pride and telling me he peed on the rocks.  Awesome.  You also got pee in your underwear, shorts, and socks.  Way to pee on those rocks, Einstein.

So yeah, new motto:  All diapers.  All the time.

Can't win

I was kicking ass this morning.  Folded and put away laundry, emptied the dish washer, got the boy and myself dressed and I still had some time to spare.  I also armed myself with multiple snacks in an attempt to wow my son.  I am an idiot for thinking that is an attainable goal.

I packed a bagel, Lucky Charms, crackers and juice.  As we started our journey, I told him I brought a bagel for him today and asked if he wanted it.  Yes please!  So I handed it back.  And instead of hearing Thank you!, I hear, " forgot the cream cheese."  Deep breath.  Ok, how about some Lucky Charms?  No.  Crackers?  Yes!  But "these aren't ABCD crackers."  Ya know what kiddo?  Suck it.

Then half way there, I remember it's Thursday.  AKA, show and tell letter day.  Not extremely helpful to remember that AFTER you have left the house.  But!  Today's letter is "M".  And I have.....Money!  Ha!  Score one for Mom.  Until I get there and actually read the note his teacher stuck to the door on MONDAY, telling us that today's show and tell is a special "sharing" show and tell.  So I was supposed to make sure he brought something share-able that started with M.  Of course he teacher picked on me for not bringing something to share.  So I told her to shut it and make some change.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012


As we were getting to the car this morning, I realized I had forgotten to ask if Sire wanted something to eat on the way to daycare.  So, I asked.  Would Sire like a bagel to dine on throughout the duration of the drive?  No?  Is Sire sure he doesn't want a bagel?  After an eye roll and a "yeeeeeEEEEeeesss Mom," I believed him.

We got buckled in, he did his start the car countdown, and before I even had the truck completely backed out of the garage, he declared from his throne that he wanted a bagel.  The reminder that he had just told me he didn't in fact want a bagel was met with an obnoxious whine informing me that he has the memory of a gnat and he swears that he never said such a thing.  Thankfully I had brought a to go cup of Lucky Charms for his afternoon car ride snack, so I offered those up.  Sire spared my life and accepted my offer.

About half way to daycare tells me he is all out of Lucky Charms.  So as I am reaching back for the cup, I attempt to verbally confirm he is finished with the cereal.  Only to hear, "No, I am all out of Lucky Charms."  Ummm...oooookkkkkk.  And then I look back and realize what is going on.  In his little toddler mind, the cereal is not called Lucky Charms.  The marshmallows are the Lucky Charms.  Who knows what the sugar coated crunchy crap is called.

Cute and irritating were in a dead heat this morning.

Monday, June 4, 2012


There is only plant in our house that is within Alex's grasp.  Every so often, he brings me a present of one the leaves, but for the most part he leaves it alone.  The times we have had an issue, he is driving a truck or motorcycle through it and getting dirt everywhere.  He drives through it, I remind him that he is not supposed to play in the plant, we move on.

So I was fairly surprised when I walked into the living room yesterday and saw potting soil all over the side table.  I made him come in there, and I asked him what happened.  Apparently he was digging for treasure.  Try as I may, I cannot get mad at that.  It is just too funny.

He slept horribly last night and woke up at 5:10.  Maybe my sleepy eye boogers will provide a new treasure search site.

Summer Saturday