Friday, February 27, 2009

Officially Half Way

I am half way. 20 weeks. As I may have mentioned before we have an ultrasound on Monday. I cannot wait. There is an impressive amount of women I know that are pregnant right now as well. They have all had ultrasounds and I have gotten to see the pictures. It is killing me wondering what this kid looks like!

It's also bothering me that I have not felt anything moving yet. I read that you shouldn't dismiss what feels like gas bubbles as gas bubbles because it might be your baby moving. So I felt something and thought, aaahhhh? Is that it? Then I farted.

One of the preggo chicks I know said she had the same no movement issue, but when she went in for the ultrasound the baby was rockin' out in there. The tech said that depending on where everything implants in the uterus you may not feel anything until later than others. Perfectly explained. That should comfort me right? Ha! Wrong!

I know that all people are different and special in their own way, so why should growing a kid be an exception? I know that logically. Logic is not something I am governed by anymore. I laugh, manically, in the face of logic. It does not stand a chance against my morbid imagination. In my mind the only reason I cannot feel anything moving is because something is terribly wrong. I have done something wrong over the last almost four weeks since I was comforted by the squishing heartbeat. I am sure of this.

The small part of my brain that is still able to function properly using memory skills, logic, and all things normal people have come to expect, that part of my brain knows I am being silly. That part knows there is nothing amiss, and come Monday we are going to see a little alien looking thing having a good ol' time in there. I wish that part of my brain was bigger.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

And it begins....

I am itchy. All over. Most of the time. My back and legs especially.

And now even worse, I have gotten the itch to shop. For everything. I want to buy clothes for me. I want to buy snuggly blankets for the baby. I want to buy anything cute for anyone I see. We shall see how excited I am to buy clothes when I actually go shopping and have to try stuff on this body. I am thinking ponchos. In many different colors. Oooo! Or mumu's!

I think the desire to get new things is the turning point for me to get excited about this whole deal. Before this point, I was excited, but more along the scared stiff, I cannot believe we decided this was a good idea lines. Now, all of a sudden, it's like the scared is still there, but the excitement of meeting this kid is taking over. There is a lot of stuff I am supremely worried about, *cough, cough, Aiden*, but a feeling of, "I think we can do this" is hanging around a bit more often.

However, that feeling was tested by the sweetest, cutest, shrillest little girl at the grocery store last night. That girl could pierce eardrums from three aisles away. No particular reason for the shrieking that I could tell, and no set pattern. About every 30-45 seconds or so she would let out the loudest, high pitched owl-screech a human that size can produce...Hold that incredible sound for about 14 seconds...And then take a drink from her sippy cup with a look like, "What? Did I do something?" It was impressive. The other impressive thing was how easily her mother was not bothered. She had three other kids in tow and needed to get some food. The look she had? "You wanna sound like a rabid howler monkey for no reason whatsoever? Knock yourself out. We gotta get some things done." I can only hope to have that woman's patience when the time comes.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Tick Tock

So we are exactly 1 week away from knowing if we are going to be raising a boy or girl. The range of emotions I go through every time I think about it is nothing short of impressive. I go from crazy excited and impatient to whoaaahh....dude....this is getting really really real now. Perhaps the reality of it should have hit me a little sooner. But since I don't feel any different, aside from continuous sobriety, it didn't. Whatevs.

My heart races when I think about next Monday. The uncertainty of what that day is going to hold for Travis and I is indescribable. I am so excited to see Travis's reaction when he sees it. So far, he hasn't really been able to experience any of this stuff as it is all going on in my ever expanding body. Aside from hearing the heartbeat, and watching me eat Drumsticks like they are going out of style, he hasn't had much to do. Not that seeing it is going to change what he can and cannot do during this part of this little experiment we have going on, but I think it might help him feel closer to the whole thing.

The curiosity of what this kid is going to look is making me a bit nutty as well. There is really no doubt what color eyes it will have, but things like it's face shape, nose, mouth, ears, those are the things I want to see. I realize that will have to wait until July, but I am so so so curious.

I am also very scared about what this ultrasound may show. It is the first time, other than listening for the heartbeat that there is a possibility of finding something wrong with the baby. I know there is no point worrying about it until we are there looking at it and can find out information from a doctor. But I can't help it, it's scary. I never thought I would want a Monday to come so fast!

Friday, February 20, 2009

9 &1/2 days.

Less than ten days. That's how soon I will know what gender the little critter is. When I first realized it was so close, I couldn't believe it! But now that I have thought about it for, oh, I don't know, less than a day, I cannot wait. At all. I now need to know this instant. Let's get this show on the road.

Travis and I have decided that once we know what this kid's go time. Let's get to painting, moving appropriate things in and out of the room, registering for all the fun prezzies people will get to bestow upon us, planning planning planning.

I am really hoping knowing this tidbit is going to make things seem more real...although the coming and going of searing hot pains in my lower back are doing a pretty good job of making me realize something is perhaps amiss.

I also can't wait to see it. On the ultrasound I mean. I am excited to see in person too, but it could use a bit more cook time. I really hope I can tell what I am looking at. Usually when I see an ultrasound picture I'm all...yeah, I totally see it...sure...if you say so. I have never really understood how people could see anything resembling a baby in those white blobs on the picture. It's like a Warshak test from hell. My guess is seeing the whole process live, not just in still pictures, will help.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Not yet!

It may be foolish, but I am hanging on to wearing my regular jeans as long as physically possible. I know that I would probably be more comfortable in maternity jeans, but I am having a hard time biting that particular fabric-filled bullet.

The amount of fabric incorporated in maternity jeans in frighteningly impressive. I did get one pair from my sister that is not the "full panel" type. I have to admit, those are much less daunting. I also bought a pair with the full belly tube sock thing because they claimed to be the most comfortable jeans blah blah blah. Admittedly, they were not uncomfortable, except they kept falling down....a problem I hope will be remedied when there is more stomach to fill the material requirements. But that nude colored spandexy tube top thing sewn onto the top of otherwise cute jeans totally ruins it. I know nobody can see it, but I can feel it and therefore I feel like they can see it. I am guessing it was a better look than the big-bellied old man look I am rocking right now. Since my belly is too big for my waistband, unless my pants are very low rise, my belly pushes the pants down it the front so I am continuously pulling them up in the back. Very fancy. But I am still in my regular jeans dammit!

After seeing myself in the bathroom mirror, I apparently need to suck it up and spend the money to get some new shirts as well. I look like I am wearing one of my niece's sweaters. She's 7. Good thing she has impeccable fashion sense.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Memories...Misty watercolor Memories

I am the first to admit my memory is not impressive. Sometimes it makes me a little sad that I can't seem to remember things/events from the past, but I have gotten used to it. It is definitely hard to not look like an idiot at work when I can't remember an order I entered two hours ago, but whatcha gonna do?

Problem is, this kid seems to be commandeering any and all of the minimal memory skills I had. And since there is not much there to draw from, this is not all.

The bigger issue is that I can't seem to remember how to put words together to form a sentence. And 9 times out of 10 I can barely remember what that sentence was about. I end up sounding like a three year old speaking English as a second language. Wait. Scratch that. They are probably more articulate than I am...they probably still have stored up memory from when they sucked it out of their mother's brains.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Back Fat

This past weekend I tried on some maternity clothes as my shirts seem to be shrinking on a daily basis. You'd think that not having my shirts fit would be a trigger to the fact that I actually have something growing in Can we go back to my fear of change? Perhaps if I don't believe it, nothing will change. Yes, let's go with that.

Anyway, back to the shopping adventures. We all know that fitting room mirrors are not the nicest things on the planet. I suppose I shouldn't blame it all on the mirrors...those lights are bitches too. I don't understand how they can possibly find that combination, look into the mirror, and not say, "Holy moley! I look like shit today!" And then look the next day and the next day, and saying the same thing, not think perhaps some different lighting may be in order.

So I am in the room of magical mirrors trying on bras bigger than have ever accompanied me into a fitting room, and some pants and shirts. And that's when I see it. It's new. It's definitely proud of it's new home. Back fat. Staring back at me in all it's glory.

Riddle me this: What does this kid possibly need me to have back fat for?

So far I had been all proud of myself because the only place I was gaining anything was in my stomach and bodacious ta-tas. But now, now I know. It was all a trick.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Are you kidding me?

So I don't really mind the having to pee all the time thing. What I do mind is that when I do go to the bathroom, feeling as though I may explode if I don't get there in .2 seconds, roughly 1-1/2 teaspoon comes out. There is nothing satisfying about that. It is just plain irritating. It is a waste of toilet paper. And then, knowing that only a itty-bitty amount came out last time....I have to pee again in about, oh, let's say, 12 minutes.

I am peeing more often than throughout the course of a night out. At least then there was a point. More liquid was actually needing to come out!

And if Travis continues to find this situation funny, I may have to find a creative way to inflict pain upon him.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

I may ask them for a parenting manual

Travis got a voicemail from his brother, who had overheard his son talking to some friends while looking at a scrapbook from his last birthday party. When he got to a picture of Travis and I he said, "These are two of my favorite people. They are going to have a baby soon and I just know they are going to be really good parents and have a really cute baby." He is 10.

I think my heart exploded and came pouring out of my eyes when I heard that. If our child turns out to be half as caring as any one of our nieces or nephews, well that may be reason enough to have a kid.

Our kid more than likely will take after the nephew who packed his ears full of Moonsand, but he's as cute and sweet as little boys come, so I would be more than alright with that!

Truth be told, I am a bit freaked out by the idea that we are going to be responsible for shaping a human's view of the world and how to behave in it. That is just unreal. I mean, Me, the person that can't remember to go to a very good friend's wedding is going to be in charge of a real live person. A person that cannot function on its own. A person that can't move on its own. I mean what if I forget it is in the car? Or leave the house without it? The dog is pretty cool, but without opposable thumbs, I don't think she is going to be very good at making a bottle.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Milk ducts

So, my boobs are no joke. They are gynormous. I really really need to go buy bigger bras. This is getting insane.

Now, the size isn't so bad, but I have all of a sudden become very self-conscience of all body parts so the ladies are noticed. The feet, hands, back are all noticed too, but not noticed much by anyone other than me. The thing that is weirding me out is all the strange sensations going on. Never has my chest been so itchy. Well all of me is itchy for that matter, but I guess I just didn't expect itchy boobs.

Anyway, the thing that is bringing me to write about my boobs is the new sensation going on today, which I am told is the milk glands gearing up for action. The only way I can describe it is that it feels like little lightning bolts are shooting out of my nipples. How's that for a visual? I feel like I have some weird superpower. Watch out evildoers! Miss Lightning Nipples is on the case!

The week is over

It is done. Travis's week of no alcohol is complete. He was a trooper and didn't complain all week. He did ask on Sunday if he could have a couple beers while watching the Badger game. I almost gave in until I realized I can't have a couple beers during any Badger basketball game this year. He can deal with one.

I think the perspective I was looking for was reached on Saturday. We went out with a bunch of people including our friends in town visiting. We both enjoyed an O'duals...and lots of water. By 12:30am, it was time for us to go home and everyone else was well on their way to stumbling around. The goal I was trying to attain was for Travis to understand that I don't mind if he has a few drinks whenever, but the silly stumbly useless Travis needs to stay away for awhile. I just don't have the energy, desire, or patience to babysit a grown man. Not that any of our friends were belligerent while we were there, but I think he can now fully understand how it gets old really fast to be the only sober one at 12:30 in the morning.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Week of Sobriety: Day 4

Well, I haven't seen Travis yet today to gauge how day 4 is going, but I know last night he was a little antsy. A bottle of O'Douls was appreciated when he got home. He did make some mention that I was upsetting the dog by putting restrictions on him, but she just gave him the side-eye and went back to sleep. Nice try Trav, but the dog is always on my side.

The temptation should be a bit more difficult to resist this evening as Kari and Brent are coming over for dinner. And not just any dinner, but BBQ chicken. I am interested in how the grill is going to get lit, since I have been told many times in the past, the grill doesn't light unless Travis, and any friend that is present, has a beer while lighting it. Maybe it will be baked chicken after all...

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!

Milk products have been an issue for me for some time. Apparently I had to have soy formula as a baby because I couldn't digest regular formula. Then the whole milk problem seemed to go away until about high school. I started noticing ice cream made me feel sick and I always had an upset stomach after lunch. Since I am positive the lunches served to the masses in our high school were of the utmost quality, I knew it wasn't the food. The day I found a band aid in my roast turkey and gravy, I cannot stand by the quality, but the rest of the days the food was pretty darn good. So long story long I finally deduced the half pint of milk was the only thing I was consistently consuming. So I stopped drinking milk with lunch and shazaam! I was no longer sick after lunch. But there still was the ice cream problem. This problem haunts me still.

However, since I have become pregnant, I do not feel very good most times after I eat. I don't feel good that is until I have some sort of ice cream product. I think the baby wants me to be happy and knows I love me a good Drumstick. Now, whenever my stomach hurts after dinner, I have a Drumstick and immediately feel better. I think I love this baby already.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

The week of sobriety

So after a couple weekends of going out with our friends and being the only sober one, I was beginning to feel like a bit of an outcast. And feeling more than a bit of irritation that Travis was having such a good time. So I devised a plan. Not an evil plan mind you, but a plan to help him gain some perspective of what it feels like to be out with everybody, but not really out with everybody.

I proposed that Travis not have any alcohol for a week. I realize that is not a long time, but our social group goes out a lot, stays in a lot, hangs out a lot...most times having something of the alcohol persuasion accompanying our activities. Travis (much like me) also likes to have a beer or drink after work or perhaps wine with dinner. So I thought it only fair that he get to experience the feeling of not getting to have something solely because we are having a baby. Because frankly, I would kill for a day with all the coffee, diet coke and alcohol I wanted.

Monday was the first day. Obviously the first day was not a problem, but he did mention that a beer would have been delicious with our chicken tacos. I am more interested to see how the end of the week goes. It ought to be interesting come Saturday when we have friends in from Michigan that we haven't seen in almost a year. I'm bettin' the Stoli itch might be a bit intense by then.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Had a doctor's appointment today. I really wish I had better aim when peeing. Trying to pull up your pants with only one hand, or waddling to the sink with your pants around you fun either way. I am assured it only gets worse as the bump grows and you are aiming blindly. Can't wait.

Other than a pee hand, all went well at the doctor. I got to hear the heartbeat again and immediately smiled. It is still so very strange to think about the fact that there is something in there...something with a heartbeat and ears and fingernails.

I had a bit of a meltdown on Friday. I got very sad that I couldn't go out and have drinks with people. Immediately my emotions took over any sense left in my brain and I was certain that I was never going to be able to have fun again and I would be forever alienated from my friends. I realized that I feel very guilty because it seems everyone else is more excited about this whole baby thing than I am. Shouldn't I be the one that nobody can stand talking to because I won't shut up about this thing I am growing? After assuring me I was overreacting, Travis also reminded me that maybe I am not so excited because I don't feel any different, yet I have to alter my actions...and nobody else feels any different, but they don't have to alter their actions. They can party their pants off (although that may result in crazy hormones and a growing belly!) whenever they want. I know this is a feeling that will diminish with time, but right now? kinda sucks.

Back to better stuff, my baby has a healthy heartbeat and is the right size! I have only gained 2.5 pounds since my first appointment which makes me think I perhaps had some weight to lose. But I am not complaining. I would like to thank the little one for behaving like a tape worm and using it's current resources before searching for more. Very eco-friendly. I knew this kid was gonna be cool!