Friday, August 29, 2014

Back to School Night

I think he's gonna get really good grades...

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Settin' My Sights on the Big Top

There is no amount of psyching yourself up that can prepare you for the intense pain of waxing your upper lip.  I need to live somewhere that mustachioed women are held in high esteem.  That or join the circus.  They still have the bearded lady booth?

We'll blame the sleepiness

I bought a calendar the other day.  Yes, I realize it's almost September, but after the wind blew the zillion different paper schedules off the fridge for the 12th time in a week, I decided consolidating schedules was necessary.  That and I want to start writing down my workouts.  Kinda like a gold star visual aid.  And I've decided I want to do each level of the 30 Day Shred 10 times and I want to complete it by the end of October.  Since I can't remember what day it is more often than not, there is no way I'm going to be able to keep track of how many times I have done each level.  Short story long, a calendar was needed.  So, I got a fancy dry erase calendar and wrote down the recent workouts, all of Alex's remaining field trips, and our known plans.  Good good.

Yesterday, I woke up with a slight panic that Alex had a field trip requiring me to pack a lunch.  To the trusty calendar!  My heart settled upon seeing that field trip was the next day so I had time to get the grocery shopping done that would include stuff for a proper bag lunch.  But then I noticed my faithful calendar said that yesterday was the 25th and I swore Monday was the 25th.  So I checked my phone and sure enough, it was the 26th.  So what gives?  Yeeeeahhhhh, I bought me a 2015 calendar.  Awesome.  So now I had to get the boys to day care, get to the grocery store, make his lunch, and have said lunch back at daycare by 8:15.  It was 7:45 when I realized my calendar error.

I got Sam all settled in his room and then took Alex to his room and asked what he wanted in his lunch.  PB&J, cucumbers, red pepper, and a juice box.  I had the stuff for the PB&J and I had a cucumber, although I had no clue if that cucumber was in any sort of edible state.  I didn't think I had a red pepper and I was positive Alex had consumed all of the juice boxes we had.  I knew this because every single day he asks if he can have one so he can have the "breathing tube" from it.  Now, the common man would call that a straw, but potato potahto.

Since I was on a tight time table, I had to go to the smallish grocery store close to our house.  The Piggly Wiggly.  I don't frequent this store as it is way more expensive than the giant store we normally go to, and the selection is quite limited.  But it works in a pinch and a pinch I was in.  I speed walked in and headed straight to the produce section.  No red peppers.  Only English cucumbers.  I could make do with the English cucumber since I was planning on peeling it and cutting it into sticks any way.  But the no red pepper was cause for alarm.  Then I saw a man stocking the bagged lettuce mix and figured I could ask if maybe possibly there were any peppers in the back that just hadn't hit the shelves yet.  I couldn't tell if the lettuce stocking dude worked for the grocery store or for the bagged lettuce company, so my intention was to first ask him if he worked at the store.  But what came out of my mouth was, "Hey...are you a Piggly person?"


Are you a Piggly person.  What.  I actually spoke those words to an adult.

After a painful pause during which I could feel my facial expression go directly to "I give up," he informed me that yes, he did work there.  Apparently the produce delivery was late that morning, but the very nice man directed me to the organic section that had some red peppers.  Crisis embarrassingly averted.

Oh!  And when I got home, I found a red pepper in the refrigerator.

Pre-bedtime chat

" what is this poop on the bath mat?"
"....why...why is there poop on the bath mat?"
"Because I shaked my booty when I got of the toilet to get the poop off."

Is this the new way to clean yourself after pooping?  Am I missing out?  Is toilet paper obsolete?  Maybe he knows how to use the three sea shells.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Still Got It

He's holding on to his rapidly disappearing youth with all his strength!

Almost time

Pictured above is the giant pile of school supplies Alex is required to bring with him to Kindergarten.  Also known as a giant pile of Mama's heart breaking.  He is starting Kindergarten.  In 12 days.  I just cannot believe it.

I know he's ready.  I know he's gonna love it.  I know it's inevitable.  I know I know I know.  But, wow, I am not ready for this.  I just cannot believe in 12 days I will be standing out on the sidewalk, waving good-bye to the school bus taking him to his first day of school.

I just feel so afraid.  All typical fears I'm pretty sure.  But knowing they're typical doesn't make them any easier to swallow.  I'm sure some day this chest crushing anxiety will subside, but today?  Today I'm having a hard time breathing.

He did tell me the other day that he is going to live with me forever, so I've got that going for me.


Monday, August 18, 2014

Dr. Ferber Will See You Now

I can see it coming.  I'm gonna have to go full on "cry it out" with this baby.  And it's gonna suuuuuck.  I've been trying to lay the groundwork lately and making sure to put Sam in his crib before he's completely asleep, but it usually ends with me going in his room a zillion times before just giving up and rocking him to sleep.

I distinctly remember going through this with Alex and the awful nights listening to a seemingly never ending wail of "mamamamamamamamamamamamamamamamama!" through the monitor.  It is heartbreaking.  I am not looking forward to going through it again.  But, I also can't rock this kid to sleep every single time he needs to rest.

A quick Googling let me know somewhere around 5 months old is the appropriate time to Ferberize.  This kid has 2 months to get his shit straight.

Making his presence known

Nothing truly drives home the fact you have a five year old living in your house like going to bed and finding a fart blaster under your quilt.

Friday, August 15, 2014

What a difference a day makes!

You guys.  I got some sleep last night.  After three nights of Samalamadingdong not sleeping in longer than half hour to 1&1/2 hour increments, he slept for 4 hours straight last night.  From 1am to 5am, I reveled in delicious uninterrupted sleep.  It was marvelous.

And this morning?  Alex woke up right on time without any pleading.  Sam woke up happy...well happy after he guzzled 5oz of his sweet nectar.  The dog wasn't even annoying.  Drop off at daycare went great.  I came home to one quick work email and nothing else.

So far, I have picked up every room, did the dishes, and went for a run.  Which by the way was fantastic.  I logged a solid 2.5 miles without having to walk.  I'm not gonna lie, when the dog stopped in the middle of a killer hill to poo, I was not sad.  But still, no walking.

And now while I cut up a watermelon and finish cleaning my filthy house, I am blaring Lady Gaga and singing at the top of my lungs.  Sorry neighbors and UPS delivery guy, Mama got some sleep and she's on fire.

I'm telling you, 4 hours of sleep is therapeutic.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Sweet Alex

Sam is on a bit of a sleep strike the last couple of nights.  Not sure what the deal is, but we'll figure it out sooner or later.  Hopefully sooner than later because I am freaking tired.

Usually, he is just fussy enough to get me up and then the second I pick him up or re-nuk him, he falls right back to sleep.  I have tried getting him to fall asleep without me holding him so that if he wakes up and I'm not holding him, it doesn't seem weird.  Still wakes up and fusses.  I have tried getting him to fall asleep without a nuk so that if he wakes up without a nuk it doesn't seem weird..  Still wakes up and fusses.  Killin' me here.

This morning, he was not just fussy when he woke up for the zillionth time; he was PISSED.  And very vocal about it.  Vocal enough that he woke up his brother.  His brother that will sleep through an entire change of clothes into pajamas.  During a break in Sam yelling at me, I heard Alex open his door.  I turned around and apologized that Sam woke him up.  He just stood there naked, wrapped in his brown elephant blanket, smiled, and said, "It's OK that Sam woke me up, Mom.  If he hadn't woke me up, I wouldda slept all day.  Ha!"

How is it that the one that can unravel my sanity in the blink of an eye is also the one that melts my heart so often?

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Maggotgate 2014

As of 2pm yesterday, we are maggot free.  I think the little bastards started in the garbage we forgot to take out before we left for the weekend, and then just spread out in search of food to eat while they waited to turn into flies.  Gross.  Everything about this is gross.

Multiple times I thought I found them all, only to be thwarted with the next thing I moved or picked up.  I cleaned all around the garbage and got the ones scurrying along the floorboards.  And then I moved the dog bed and blanket.  More maggots.  I got rid of those and cleaned that whole area.  And then I picked up the dog dishes.  More maggots.  So I got rid of those and cleaned that whole area.  And then I picked up the mat in front of the door.  More freaking maggot.  So, I got rid of those and cleaned that whole area.  That was the last I saw of them.  And believe me, if they are there, I will see them.  I am constantly walking around the kitchen staring at the floor and every corner looking for the little white wiggly worms of grossness.

This morning there was a fly in my house and I felt pure rage in every fiber of my being.  So much so that I smacked it twice.  Once while it was sitting on one of Sam's toys.  The second time?  It had bounced off the toy and was sitting on the folder I have to turn in to daycare with all of Sam's intake forms.  I don't even care.  I will NOT have maggots in my kitchen again.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Since that last post...

In the time since I came home to find the previously mentioned random destruction from the mutt, the following has happened:

  • I moved the refrigerator to clean up the exploded soda can and found a half dozen maggots.
  • The baby spit up, unbeknownst to me, and then slept in it, rendering his hair a formula-crusted helmet.
  • The dog puked six different times.  All six times on the carpet.  The carpet I just shampooed a week ago.
  • I was late leaving to take the boys to daycare only to discover I forgot Alex's swim trunks and had to turn back to get them.
  • I arrived at daycare and immediately realized I dressed Alex and I EXACTLY the same.
  • Upon picking up my work bag to get my day started, I found more maggots.
  • I completely did not assess my face before leaving the house and had yesterday's mascara smeared a good inch below each eye.

Y'all can quit, because I have clearly won life.

Monday, August 4, 2014


If I keep saying it, I won't kill her, right?  I didn't quite make it home before the thunder...
Annoying as it was to push my way into the house through a pile of shredded cardboard mixed in with soda and beer cans, it didn't hold a candle to thinking I was grabbing some torn up carpet pad off the floor only to end up with a handful of barfed up carpet pad/food/bile.