All of a sudden I feel like I could cry at any moment. Actually, I have been crying at any moment lately. Only for a few seconds, enough for three tears, but it's there nonetheless.(I love LOVE the word nonetheless) And it's weird. I have been feeling really good since I met my good friend Welbutrin. But about a week ago, that changed. I have no clue what happened. No clue what event or moment spurred these feelings again. What I do know is, I don't like it. Not one bit. These feelings can suck it. I liked feeling better.
In this past week I have once again started feeling overwhelmed by nothing. I am unsure of every and any decision I have made or need to make. Picking which jeans to wear today was an issue. Little things seem like a big deal again. I find myself struggling to decide what to make for dinner...or if I should go for a run or let Jillian yell at me. Just things that shouldn't take more than a quick thought to land on a decision. Instead of quick thoughts I get monsoons of indecision. And then I realize I am being ridiculous and it makes me sad and frustrated, and that makes it even harder to make a decision. Yay for vicious cycles!
I am lucky though. I have been through this before and I now have the knowledge and tools to help myself not get to a worse place. I haven't been taking the full dose of the Welbutrin for quite some time for a couple of reasons. One, it was messing with my sleep time. Nobody messes with my sleep time. Alex did for a very long time and he is lucky he made it out alive. Two, I really want to believe my brain will figure its shit out and fire the right zappers at the right time to the right other zappers. Unfortunately the only way to find that out is by not taking the medicine. Ding!Ding!Ding! I think we've got an answer! My brain's zappers are still out of order.
So it's decided then...back to full doses. Good talk.
I had a brief affair with Zoloft after years of what turned out to be completely ignored anxiety. I was lucky though; when I did the whole "screw this, I don't need this stinkin' medicine," I didn't revert back to Anxiety Girl. Well, not as bad as it was before anyway.
ReplyDeleteMy point: you'll always be somewhere on a spectrum of feeling better. Some days (weeks/months/years) you'll be on the gonna-jump-off-a-bridge end, and others you'll be sh*tting rainbows and smiles.
Fun times, huh? :)
"Good talk; see ya out there."
That sucks. Good luck getting things to feel good again, I know you can do it easily. Also, your brain could still switch itself, it might just take a few more years.
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