Impressive.

It's safe to say yesterday was my biggest fail yet. The day started off all innocent. Sun shining, birds chirping, baby giggling. He even was super content just sitting on his outdoor play mat with a couple toys while I raked the zillion sticks strewn about our backyard. Based on the amount of sticks in our lawn, I think the tree in the backyard has it out for us.

The failing started before the raking though. I took Alex with me to run some errands. It was only after going to Target and the pet store and Home Depot that I realized the base I had been clicking his car seat into at each stop was not strapped into the car. AT ALL. When we were leaving Home Depot, I clicked him in and thought the base was a little wiggly. Gee, Ya Think?! Yeah, it will wiggle a little when it is just sitting on seat with no safety apparatus attached to it.

Then the fail reached epic levels when I tried to feed the boy his dinner. He was on a food strike. No clue why, but he wouldn't eat. He would have two bites and then yell at me while wrenching his body and flailing his arms in a very successful campaign to stop me from getting a spoon anywhere near his mouth. After trying three different foods, I totally and completely lost it. He kept trying to grab things off the table, so I swiped everything within reach off the table onto the floor. Tried to give him a spoonful of food, resulting only in more body writhing and arm flailing while yelling at me. And then I stepped right past my breaking point. I threw his spoon, which was covered with peas and carrots, over his head, across the kitchen, and into the sink. While loudly stating that, Fine. Don't eat. I don't care. I put him on the floor in his Bumbo, loudly shut some cupboards and went to the bathroom to set up a bath for him. He was not happy about the floor/Bumbo situation and was screaming. Maybe it was my imagination, but from what I could decipher, he was mostly screaming about how much I suck.

It was at that point that Travis came in from washing the car and made me take a minute...or five. Which I did and was able to come back to the situation much calmer. Crying, but much calmer. After asking if I was alright, Trav handed Alex back to me so I could give him a bath.

The bath is great. It fixes everything. Everything except guilt. I was immediately enveloped in a soggy, wet, massively heavy, itchy wool blanket of guilt. I could not keep it together to figure out how to help my child. And because of that, he got super duper upset. Upset enough that he had a red mark on his back from wrenching around in his Bumbo chair. Gut stabbing, heart wringing guilt. It was horrible.

Alex forgave me. He snuggled up tight with me and his blanket while he ate his bottle. Looking up at me and then snuggling in deeper each time. I held on to him for a long time last night.

I know it happens to a lot of parents. I know everyone has their breaking point. It just super sucks when you reach it. Over dinner Travis reminded my that I need to tell him when I need a break so I don't reach that horrible point. You would think that would be common since right? Apparently not. But it is over now. I have a renewed sense of where my breaking point is so hopefully I will not be breaching that point again any time soon. Not my best day as a mom. But today's a brand new day. Hopefully I can keep the suck amount to an appropriate level.